Thursday, May 19, 2005

To keep or not to keep, that is the question.

I'm in the process of a major sort out of my room back at my mum's house. I was going to do this anyway whilst I was round here in an attempt to declutter at least a small portion of this house but I have been further galvanised into action by the panic seizure I had the other day at the thought of all the clutter that my friends and family would have to deal with if I suddenly died!!!
So this is now part of a larger project: - to clearout as many unneccessary things as possible (how I long for the simple life) and to put everything in order in the event of my death. Some people have described this approach as pessimistic but I'd like to think of it as taking responsibility of my possesions and my life. I want to sort my life so that if I died unexpectedly people would a) not be daunted by a huge pile of my clutter b) have less painful decisions about what to keep or what not to keep and c) not stumble upon anything that might upset them.

Clearing things out is a therapeutic process, but also one that can prompt strange emotions when you find things that trigger strong memories. I've found photos, cards, letters and notes that have made me laugh, cry, wonder and frown. I'm less sentimental than I used to be and this makes parting with things a lot easier, - such as the hair I saved from my pet rabbit, Fiver who sadly got eaten by a fox! It felt wrong however just to throw the hair in the rubbish bin so it has been ritualistically scattered in the place in our garden where our other pets were buried.

Sorting stuff out has also been a mildly traumatic experience as I've stumbled upon reminders of the bits of my past I'd like to forget and pretend didn't happen. What to do with these things - should they be kept or thrown? It's good to let go of the past I think but you shouldn't blot it out either. I thought I'd tackle my diaries whilst I'm over here - pluck up the courage to read some of that 15 year old angst and decide what was best to do with it. Any advice anyone?

In the meantime I have a slightly different problem - finding them!!! My diaries are not where I thought I'd left them which is more than a wee bit alarming! Hmmmm.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Banished to Clayhell!!!

sorry I meant Clayhall obviously!! Yes greetings from the deepest darkest depths of the suburban jungle, here in this corner of Essex where London truly does end, or begin depending on your perspective. Hark the cries of a damsel in distress, confined to a not so towering bungalow prison eagerly awaiting her knight in shining armour to rescue her from this torment.

In case you hadn't guessed it I'm back in my childhood home, cat, dog and housesitting whilst my mother, nan and ickle sister are off on a Mediterranean cruise!! Lucky for some eh? I'll be here for about 2 weeks during which time I have to keep a very close eye on the dog (Misty) who's recovering from major surgery and now has a huge scar on her stomach to rival mine. Yes, at last Misty and I have something in common - I feel like we've bonded!!!

With only a dog and cat for company I have resorted to the TV for the illusion of human interaction. I swear I have watched more TV tonight than I usually watch in two weeks, or a month even! First I watched the news when I came home from work, next a programme about troublesome toddlers, and then I caught a bit of Eastenders. At some point I tuned into Channel 5' s "Brand New You" which showed plastic surgery so invasive I felt sick and rang home (Leytonstone) to share this with a poor unsuspecting Lucy, then I watched "Families behaving badly" - another programme about dysfunctional families, followed by a programme about marriage breakdown. Yes I was really indulging in society's moral collapse tonight! Lastly I watched newsnight cover new research about the possible links between Cannabis and Psychosis! So all in all I've had a bit of 'televisual feast'.

I have been given strict instructions by Toni to supervise the convalescing dog as much as possible (as well as text her with daily updates - I am NOT exaggerating) so I won't be out and about as much over the next couple of weeks. Given that I don't drive I really feel like I've been banished to the sticks and not sure how I'll cope with such a severly diminshed social life. Quite clearly I cannot manage one night without human interaction so I urge you all to ring, email and blog me as much as possible during this imprisonment to stop me going insane!