Where London Ends

St Cecilia's

2007-01-05T00:17:00.000Z

I've just come back from spending a few days at an abbey of Benedictine nuns and it has made me very happy!! The place in question is St Cecilia's and it's on the Isle of Wight. http://www.stceciliasabbey.org.uk Pictures and other stuff later but what a great way to start a new year!!

Gaudete! Christus es Natus, ex Maria Virgine

2006-12-25T08:51:00.000Z

Rejoice! Christ is born of the Virgin Mary!

"16 For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting. 17 For God sent not his Son into the world, to judge the world, but that the world may be saved by him. 18 He that believeth in him is not judged. But he that doth not believe, is already judged: because he believeth not in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19 And this is the judgment: because the light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than the light: for their works were evil. 20 For every one that doth evil hateth the light, and cometh not to the light, that his works may not be reproved. " (St John, Chapter 3)

Christmas Mass yesterday evening was wonderful!!! I am so close to converting now!

Happy Christmas to You!

Catholic Humour - Bring on the Barley Brew!!!

2006-12-11T22:45:00.000Z

The Catholic Sun

Wherever the Catholic sun doth shine,
There’s always laughter and good red wine.
At least I’ve always found it so.
Benedicamus Domino!

by Hilaire Belloc

When I first started my encounters with the Catholic species one of the things that surprised me was the tendency towards wit and humour. There's the general joie de vivre, the crazy stories I've heard, plenty of doses of sarcasm and above all the puns!! Sometimes the target of mockery is something non-Catholic, sometimes it is at so called 'liberal Catholics' but even the more conservative and traditional minded Catholics also have the ability to laugh at themselves or the history of the Church as well. So in light of recent comments on Joee Bloggs blog about enacting parodies of 'coffee table Mass' thought might be time to post Hilaire Belloc's 'Pelagian Drinking Song' to add some light entertainment whilst I'm still contemplating what to write in response to Pinochet's death!!! Bring on the Barley Brew........

The Pelagian Drinking Song

Pelagius lived at Kardanoel
And taught a doctrine there
How, whether you went to heaven or to hell
It was your own affair.
It had nothing to do with the Church, my boy,
But was your own affair.

No, he didn't believe
In Adam and Eve
He put no faith therein!
His doubts began
With the Fall of Man
And he laughed at Original Sin.
With my row-ti-tow
Ti-oodly-ow
He laughed at original sin.

Then came the bishop of old Auxerre
Germanus was his name
He tore great handfuls out of his hair
And he called Pelagius shame.
And with his stout Episcopal staff
So thoroughly whacked and banged
The heretics all, both short and tall --
They rather had been hanged.

Oh he whacked them hard, and he banged them long
Upon each and all occasions
Till they bellowed in chorus, loud and strong
Their orthodox persuasions.
With my row-ti-tow
Ti-oodly-ow
Their orthodox persuasions.

Now the faith is old and the Devil bold
Exceedingly bold indeed.
And the masses of doubt that are floating about
Would smother a mortal creed.
But we that sit in a sturdy youth
And still can drink strong ale
Let us put it away to infallible truth
That always shall prevail.

And thank the Lord
For the temporal sword
And howling heretics too.
And all good things
Our Christendom brings
But especially barley brew!
With my row-ti-tow
Ti-oodly-ow
Especially barley brew!

-- Hillaire Belloc

More Belloc poems to be found here: http://www.famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/hilaire_belloc/poems

Warning: his humour is not to all tastes and at times quite outrageous.

Dorothy Day

2006-11-30T20:44:00.000Z

Dorothy Day was an American convert to Catholicism in the late 1920s. Prior to conversion she was more of a social radical, attracted to socialist ideas and living a bit of a Bohemian lifestyle. Horrified by the plight of poverty and the miserable fate of the factory workers she felt the need to take action in some way and began to perceive religion as too ineffectual or indifferent to social issues and an opiate for the weak. In her own words;

“..the ugliness of life in a world which professed itself to be Christian appalled me………As a little child the happy peace of the Methodists who lived next door appealed to me deeply. Now that same happiness seemed to be a disregard of the misery of the world. “

In contrast as she put it “The Marxist slogan, ‘Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains,’ seemed to me a most stirring battle cry.”

A few pages later she reflects;

“Jesus said, ‘Blessed are the meek,’ but I could not be meek at the thought of injustice. I wanted a Lord who would scourge the money-changers out of the temple, and I wanted to help all those who raised their hand against oppression.
For me Christ no longer walked the streets of this world. He was two thousand years dead and new prophets had risen up in His place.
I was in love now with the masses……..The poor and oppressed were going to rise up, they were collectively the Messiah, and they would release the captives..”

Years later however something in her perception about both socialism and Christianity changes as she converts to Catholicism!!!! Not that she forsook her concern for the workers but rather her faith took it in a new direction - The Catholic Worker Movement!!

Her story strikes a chord with me because whilst never a Marxist or even a proper Socialist I have (as my school friends will testify) been known for my leftish/socio-environmental/radical leanings in the past. I was always a bit of a frustrated leftie though because I like order too much and to play by the rules!!! However I felt strongly that our Capitalist economy was grossly injust (and still do) and so somehow by default that made me a 'leftie' because in a post Cold War climate the two often get presented as polar opposites with no other alternatives. I cannot tell you the joy it gave me to discover writings on the Distributionist movement (of which Chesterton and Belloc were key players), Catholic Social Encyclicals and now Dorothy Day and the Catholic Worker Movement!!!!

excited about Catholic Social Teaching and Action!!!!!

2006-11-29T15:41:00.000Z

The weekend before last I attended a series of conferences at my church on Catholic Social Teaching, titled, “The Quest for the Catholic State”. Speakers spoke on a range of issues including business, education, politics, medical ethics etc. I enjoyed it thoroughly, catching up with people I haven’t seen for a while, and meeting new people, spending the majority of Sunday serving tea and coffee. Great fun! I even spent a couple of hours the night before cooking a lasagne for the hot buffet. It was amazing how many people brought food - we had too much!! Almost enough to feed the 5,000!! I was so proud of my effort that I even took a photo!!!! (I don’t cook very often so this was a big achievement for me!)

(PICTURES IN DUE COURSE)

More importantly however was the subject matter – Catholic social teaching and action. Sometimes Catholics (particularly those labelling themselves as ‘traditional’) get unfairly caricatured as being obsessed with ritual and liturgy and unconcerned with social issues. And sometimes the latter is true; there are Catholics who are seemingly indifferent to social concerns. So it was good to hear about the experiences of various members of the laity trying to live out their faith on a day to day basis and the various struggles they faced in their professions. There was also quite a bit of expounding on the various documents the Church has produced on social teaching.

Catholic Social Teaching
Two encyclicals much quoted from were ‘Rerum Novarum’ (Concerning New Things) issued in May 1891 by Pope Leo XIII and ‘Quadragesimo Anno’ (Forty Years) written by Pope Pius XI. ‘Rerum Novarum’ describes the ‘wretched conditions’ of many of the working classes and how socio-economic changes have lead to industry and commerce falling under the power of a very rich few who have “laid a yoke almost of slavery on the unnumbered masses of non-owning workers”. The encyclical urges that action be taken by the State, employers and workers to cure this evil but warns against Socialism as holding the solution.

Catholic Social Action
One of the speakers talked a little about the Catholic Worker Movement (CWM) established by Peter Maurin and Dorothy Day in America in the early 1930s. Their activities were wide ranging; they produced a newspaper containing Catholic teaching which they distributed regularly along with Catholic pamphlets; set up the Worker House where they cared for those that were poor and needy, and Maurin established ‘Round Table talks’ on Friday evenings for the ‘clarification of thought’ around Catholic doctrine. There was also the development in the 1940s of the retreat movement. See these sites for more info. http://www.catholicworker.org/ and http://www.catholicworker.com/

Dorothy Day
Upon recommendation by a priest I am currently reading Dorothy Day’s autobiography ‘The Long Road to Loneliness” which is a fascinating read. I am just at the bit where she’s seriously contemplating conversion (it’s all very exciting) so I am sure I will blog more about Dorothy Day and the CWM in due course……

Gospel with gusto!!

2006-11-09T00:09:00.000Z

OK, OK I confess, I enjoy being preached at!! I know it's not the most important part of Mass, in fact technically it's not part of Mass at all, but the sermon is one of the things I look forward to the most. I get very irritated at mumbling priests who read the gospel in a deadpan way and then proceed to drop half of their sermon into the lectern so that I'm either leaning so far forward to hear that I'm nearly sat on the person in front of me or I'm slunk right back in my pew like a petulant and defiant child because I've given up trying to listen. So although liturgically speaking Mass at Westminster Cathedral yesterday could've been better I thought the sermon was very good and worth noting. I know priests are not meant to be thespians but a strong diaphragm certainly helps. This priest read yesterday's gospel with gusto!! Here's the text from the Douay Rheims;

LUKE - CHAPTER 14

26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. 27 And whosoever doth not carry his cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple. 28 For which of you having a mind to build a tower, doth not first sit down, and reckon the charges that are necessary, whether he have wherewithal to finish it: 29 Lest, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that see it begin to mock him, 30 Saying: This man began to build, and was not able to finish.
31 Or what king, about to go to make war against another king, doth not first sit down, and think whether he be able, with ten thousand, to meet him that, with twenty thousand, cometh against him? 32 Or else, whilst the other is yet afar off, sending an embassy, he desireth conditions of peace. 33 So likewise every one of you that doth not renounce all that he possesseth, cannot be my disciple. (Emphases mine).

"I don't like it when Jesus talks like that" the priest began his sermon. Here is not Christ the meek and mild. Here is a Christ that challenges us to get out of our comfort zones and take up our cross the priest declared. Christ demands we renounce the world to be his disciples. How many of us can count ourselves true disciples he asked. How many of us are charitable only when it suits, show our love for Christ only when it is convenient. How many of us are prepared to follow Christ at all costs?

I love these kinds of sermons, they are powerful stuff and make me go, 'wow' this is amazing. They make me zealous to be Catholic. Now before I get accused of being a 'powerful sermon junkie' or only liking Mass if it makes me feel a certain way I'm not saying all sermons should be like this, only that this one impressed me a great deal and I wanted to share my zeal with others. Feeling awed and inspired is very precious for a potential convert. It is experiences such as these that move me closer to the Church, closer to Christ.

-----------------------------------------------------

As a point of clarification the Douay-Rheims has the following note for verse 26,

26 "Hate not"... The law of Christ does not allow us to hate even our enemies, much less our parents: but the meaning of the text is, that we must be in that disposition of soul, as to be willing to renounce, and part with every thing, how near or dear soever it may be to us, that would keep us from following Christ.

Being on Stronsay

2006-11-06T23:30:00.000Z

I seem to be having trouble putting up more photos so I'll just have to paint pictures with words instead. Here's some extracts from my scribblings about the place shortly after my arrival there...

Being On Stronsay

The utter stillness of the place.

Not necessarily silence or even quietness at times, but a certain tranquility and calm about the island. A different kind of quietness from the suburbs - where there is an absence of sound and activity compared to the hustle and bustle of the city. The suburbs can feel dull and monotonous, - the degeneration of life of the elderly who are forced to slow down their pace of life or the contented middle classes who hypnotize the neighbourhood as they mow their lawns and yawn away lazy summer afternoons sipping Pimms in their back gardens. In the suburbs it can feel like life is on hold, a dream-like, trance like existence. No, here there is life to the place, the island has a soul but it gets things done in its own time, its own pace of life and that hits you about the place - it's an active tranquility, not a passive sleepiness. It hits you almost as hard as the way arriving in London hits you. Just 5 minutes in the city and you feel the pressure of it's frenetic energy. That wonderful horrible energy that keeps the place moving but causes you to burn out and collapse in weariness at the end of the week. Stronsay somehow seems to have a more sustainable energy and the calmness is almost tangible, you just absorb it.

Strangely enough I have never taken a photo of the chapel on Stronsay. A converted herring shed, it's hardly an architectural wonder but given I take photos of Bank of Scotland signs and macro shots of seaweed and other beach debris I am quite puzzled as to why I've never photographed the Chapel. But I did write about it..

The Chapel

Such a small space yet as I walked in, once again

the atmosphere about the place impressed itself upon my heart.

The familiar sense of sanctity when you recognise that you are in a place of God, when you recognise you are in the right place! Some people say that you should feel 'at home' in churches. Well maybe if home is indeed where the heart is, but not if they mean you should feel comfortable enough to put your feet up. If a church does not feel like a sacred space then where else can we find refuge from the world? What is the point of a church if it is to be like your living room, a social club or anywhere else in the world. Or of the world. And conversely if a place is dedicated to God then how can it feel ordinary - how can you feel completely 'at home' there. After all we are exiles in this vale of tears and a church surely should remind us of this.

It should help make it easier for us to contemplate the Kingdom of Heaven and orientate ourselves towards it, not make us too comfortable with staying on Earth.

It should help us to feel 'at home' in the sense that

our true home is with God in heaven.

Welcome to Stronsay!!!

2006-11-02T23:52:00.000Z

Having been thoroughly harrassed last night (All Saints) by some Catholic friends of mine about updating my blog I thought I'd put some pictures up of my recent visit to Stronsay in order to placate the petulent mob before they bring the thumb screws out! So here goes;

Stronsay is a small island with a about 250-300 inhabitants. Which explains a lot...

Unfortunately the irony of this sign seemed to be lost on the young girl that was with me when I took this photo.

Stronsay used to have a thriving fishing industry and in its heyday as the tourist books will tell you, sometimes there were so many boats that you could walk across them to get to neighbouring Papa Stronsay!!!! Things aren't so wild these days but there are still plenty of boats about;

From the conventional......

...the less idyllic looking ferry by which most people arrive on the island....

..to the rather unconventional outdoor storage solution that you can't get flatpack from Ikea, owned by the family that kindly put me up for the week.

More later, including photos from Papa Stronsay..

-------------------------------------------------

An absolutely beautifully sunny day was picked for this visit's obligatory tour around Papa Stronsay
OK, I've just spent the last half an hour trying to upload more of the photos to the blog but failing so I'm giving up for the moment...

I'm free and I believe!

2006-09-11T13:55:00.000Z

Finally handed in my dissertation on Friday so I'm now freeeeeeeeeeeeee! This means that I can blog again!! Yay!!! Life's been mad since I last blogged but the most important thing is that I have now made my 'leap of faith' and I BELIEVE!!!!

I still have my questions about Catholicism but essentially I now believe all the things that most Christians agree on and in all the 'crazy things in the gospel' as a priest once put it!!

Going back off to Stronsay for a week, one of the Orkney Isles which is near to The Transalpine Redemptorists' monastery. The monastery itself is on Papa Stronsay which is about a 15 minute boat ride from Stronsay - see their website - http://www.papastronsay.com/index.htm

Looking forward to the chance to unwind and have a proper think about spiritual matters whilst I'm there. Here's a couple of photos from last time I went,

Above : Outside the Stronsay guesthouse : My mother looking across to the monastery on Papa Stronsay

Below: Monastery gate

Below: Crucifix on Papa Stronsay, Monastery Island

Below: Ruins of Chapel on Papa Stronsay

Below: me on one of Stronsay's beaches

Is the State 'Christophobic?'

2006-07-13T22:42:00.000Z

This seems to be the claim being made by Christians who are increasing their pressure on the government over the proposed Sexual Orientation Regulations. In the Daily Telegraph today a letter was written by numerous pastors on behalf of black British Christians claiming that the new law would be 'Anti-Christian', because;

"The regulations force Christians in churches, businesses, charities and informal associations to accept and even promote the idea that homosexuality is equal to heterosexuality. For the sake of clarity, this is not what the Bible teaches and it is not what we believe to be the truth. In our view, these regulations are an affront to our freedom to be Christians.If the Government thinks that we will accept this law lying down, they are mistaken. This sort of Christianophobia from the Government is no longer acceptable."

And in the Daily Express yesterday (12th July 2006) Ann Widdecombe writes;

IT IS supposed to be a crime to stir up religious hatred but the Gay Police Association either doesn't know this or doesn't care. It has recently run an advertising campaign for which it is difficult to find any description other than Christophobia. There is a picture of the Bible and the headline is: In The Name Of The Father. It then goes on to claim that in the past 12 months, the Gay Police Association has recorded a 74 per cent increase in homophobic incidents, where the sole or primary motivating factor was the religious belief of the perpetrator." (see advert below)

She continues, "It would be interesting to know the nature of the homophobic incidents. Christianity specifically forbids hatred, not just acts of hatred or expressions of hatred but the feeling itself. No Christian can abuse or assault a homosexual "in the name of the Father". Yet, by choosing that very famous line of Christian worship the advertisement suggests that Christianity almost uniquely is responsible for hate crime. "

She ends by stating "The time has come to use the very weapons which have been so successfully used against us. We should complain formally of hate crimes and the stirring up of religious hatred and demand our human rights to religious freedom and to freedom of conscience. The Gay Police Association advert might be a very good place to start. "

(The full article by Ann Widdecombe can be found on http://www.christianconcernforournation.co.uk/Latest/dejul6.php )

Now whilst I get the point that is being made I think this all starts to get a bit silly and it just looks reactionary. For one I think the concept of 'hate crimes' is ridiculous (Hatred should not be encouraged but to legislate against it seems crazy to me). And surely Christian groups are undermining themselves by buying into the whole PC language? To me it makes no more sense to talk of 'Christophobia' than it does to talk of 'Islamophobia' or 'Homophobia' .

Now, if the term is used with a self-conscious irony then I have no problem with it, but both these two articles appear to be using the term very seriously indeed. I find it both fascinating and disturbing that any group that tries to influence those in power inevitably ends up aping the political language that's current at the time, even if the origins of such a language or discourse are based on a philosophy quite at odds with its own!!!

Looking forward to unemployment!!!

2006-07-03T22:10:00.000Z

Hooray! Hooray!!! Handed my notice in today!! I've never been so excited about becoming unemployed!!!! This will free up about 6 weeks before my uni deadline in which I can frantically finish my dissertation!!! Not sure where I might be living at this point, all depends on the whim of my landlord but in any case my mother is helping/bailing me out in the area of finance so don't have to worry about that in the short term. Mothers are great aren't they?! It must be understood of course that my mother is purely helping me to meet my day-to-day living costs and not helping to fund trips to the pub, shopping sprees or expensive eateries I might happen to find myself in after Mass on a feast day, and so I might not be able to be very sociable during August!! But all this is good - it'll force me to stay at home and work, and work, and work and work.......................

My deadline is the 8th September - please be gentle with me until that point!!

Is the Church 'homophobic'?

2006-07-01T17:17:00.000Z

I observed part of the Europride 2006 march and rally today as part of my research and took quite a few photos. Thought I'd post a couple on my blog and see what response I got!
(Incidentally I have put 'homophobic' in quotation marks because I actually think the term is not very useful and obscures the issues). Anyway here are some of the photos;

TRAFALGAR SQUARE - Mayor's address . Placard reads, "God is Love Not Hate".

St Martin-in-the fields - Anglican Church in Trafalgar Square displaying rainbow flag

I also managed to interview a few people, starting with the guy holding this poster!!!!

Assistance with my research project!!!!

2006-06-28T22:16:00.000Z

A way to combine blogging and my university work, of course, why did I not think of it before?

I'm doing my dissertation on the relationship between religion and public life in London and I need to find people to interview who have been motivated to join a protest on religious grounds. Ideally I'm looking for people who have protested in the last year or so and particularly interested in anyone who has participated in the protests against the Incitement to Racial and Religious Incitement Bill ( a topic of my earlier blogs) and also more recently the one against Lord Joffe's bill. So if you fit the bill (ha ha, sorry I couldn't help myself) or know someone that does then please let me know ASAP!!!

Also if you know of any forthcoming protests inform me also since ideally I was hoping to recruit people for interview that way and also make the protest itself a focus of study too.

Oh well, it's worth a try!

Assistance with blogging!

2006-06-28T21:26:00.000Z

OK, I need help! Having vastly increased my blogging activity over the last couple of weeks I have begun to notice how ghastly inferior my blog template is to everyone elses. Everyone else being the web of Catholic blogs I have found myself falling into after attending Fr Tim Finigan's talk on the Da Vinci Code (see entry on his blog http://the-hermeneutic-of-continuity.blogspot.com/2006/06/saturday-in-parish.html and also entry on Joe's blog http://catholiclondoner.blogspot.com/2006/06/last-week.html)

The talk itself was very informative but at the time I did question why I dragged myself halfway across one side of Dulwich to another in order to attend it when I keep resolving not to do too many things and complain that I'm behind with my univeristy work!! But if I hadn't have gone I would've been deprived of not only the talk but also this fascinating web of Catholic blogs. Arguably this might've been a good thing and I might not now be falling even further behind with my uni work as a result of all this distraction, but nevermind!

Getting back to the point of this blog - I need technical assistance! After a year of blogging I still don't know how to add links to other blogs onto my blog and I don't understand why my sidebar thing is all the way at the bottom of my page - it never used to do that!!

Anyone out there who can help?

The body of Christ versus football (25/06/2006)

2006-06-25T23:03:00.000Z

I took part in my first ever Corpus Christi Procession today and it was both amazing and great fun. For those of you not in the know it has become part of Catholic tradition to publicly process with the Blessed Sacrament in a monstrance with banners, pictures, a processional cross etc and the faithful singing songs through the streets as a form of adoration. The Blessed Sacrament being the name Catholics give to the host once consecrated by the priest which has then become the body of Christ (Corpus Christi). I hope to have some pictures of the actual procession I took part in, in due course, but in the meantime this link from wikipedia will have to do!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Procession_with_blessed_sacrament_1.jpg

I loved being part of the procession for several different reasons. On a completely secular level and just because I'm rather contrary I liked the fact that I wasn't watching football this afternoon unlike most other people in the country, I liked the fact that we held up the motorists while we walked at a snail's pace, and I like the bewildered faces of the people we passed on the streets. On a more religious level I was enjoying this very public display of religiousity in our predominantly secular London with, lets face it, a rather an unashamed statement of Catholicism! I enjoyed being with soooo many people (there were lots of us!), young, old, male, female, black, white etc united by common belief and purpose.

The Corpus Christi procession really exemplifies what is so weird and wonderful about Catholicism. Catholics believe that a wafer, albeit a consecrated one, gets transformed into the body of Christ - hey that's weird enough but they also go about eating it each time they go to Mass!! OK, I being rather crude with my choice of words, but think about it, it seems like utter nonsense, yet all these people were out there expressing their adoration of the Blessed sacrament, kneeling in front of it and the women covering their heads in the presence of Christ. Did these people look mad - no! Did I feel like a bit of a fraud? Yes!

I really enjoyed singing the songs yet I couldn't quite put my whole heart and soul into it because I don't yet believe the words that I was singing. I still remain to be convinced that Catholicism teaches the Truth as revealed by God. Yet there is just something so strong about the faith that keeps me going back to Mass each week and I sincerely hope that I walk my next Corpus Christi procession as a proud Catholic!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And here's one of the photos from the procession, courtesy of joe - see his blog for other pictures http://catholiclondoner.blogspot.com/2006/07/more-picture-stuff.html

Mice to see you...

2006-04-22T13:39:00.000Z

OK OK I admit it - I've got mice!! I've been in denial these last few weeks desperately trying to find alternative explaantions for the mice-like scuryring sounds I've been hearing whilst trying to get to sleep at night! Must be some pebbles falling down the chimney or my weird neighbours on the other side!! But despite trying to rationalise away the problem my imagination worked overtime as I envisioned myself being attacked by mutant rats, my mother discovering my mutilated body and the headline in the local paper - 'Goldsmith's student savaged by killer rats'. (Incidentally I blame James Herbert for all of this - if your disposition is as sensitive to horror as mine then don't read his Rats trilogy!)

Despite traumatising myself with my morbid fanatsies I did actually manage to get to sleep at night - until yesterday that was. Mr mouse must've got fed up waiting for me to finish reading and turn off my light and so made a run for it behind my bedside table and all the way along behind my bed and out to I don't where........ Somehow the reality of a fast moving small brown mouse traumatised me more than my imaginings about mutant rats and I had to sleep in the lounge last night. I shut the door firmly but took ages to get to sleep worried the mouse would come and find me and somehow crawl under the lounge door!

I've lived with mice before but not in my bedroom. That's just downright rude - doesn't it realise that's invasion of my personal space?!!

Why are we so scared of such tiny creatures? And why do they only come out at night?

The Joys of Wine

2006-04-19T23:44:00.000Z

Feast on wine or fast on water,

And your honor shall stand sure

If an angel out of heaven

Brings you something else to drink,

Thank him for his kind attentions,

Go and pour it down the sink.

G.K. Chesterton

Oh, I had forgotton the joys of wine!! I gave up alcohol for Lent and now Easter has arrived I can go back to enjoying an evening glass of J. P. Chenet with my Penne Arrabiata! And how I have missed the precious grape!! Banish all spirits and beer and I would hardly notice, but deprive me of red wine and I would truly be bereft! I am only glad that so many wise people agree with me!!

No thing more excellent nor more valuable than wine
was ever granted mankind by God.
Plato, 400 BC

Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of good wine
St. Thomas Aquinas

Wine in itself is an excellent thing.
Pope Pius XII

God in His goodness sent the grape

To cheer both great and small;

Little fools will drink too much

And great fools none at all.

Anonymous

A case of Not In My Back Yard??

2006-04-08T16:46:00.000Z

I have a rather modest sized backyard contained by a brickwall painted white at one end, and white painted fences on either side. There are no exciting features, the earth below buried out of sight covered by cracked concrete, it's dull grey monotony broken only by the weeds persistently pushing their way through, like defiant reminders that the city cannot completely subdue nature. Natural life has been rationalised in my backyard into a low rectangular brickwall on one side forming what I believe is commonly known as a 'flowerbed' but I've yet to spot any flowers. The brown soil has been disturbed by lots of green shoots recently but these too could be weeds for all I know - the jury is still out.

There is no outdoor furniture - only a few rusty rakes and trowels and a random assortment of plastic piping, broken fencing, dead leaves and a small piece of carcass from an unidentifiable animal.

And then.... this afternoon I spotted a new arrival - a suitcase!!! Now tell me, how exactly do I approach my neighbours about that?!

Case History

- the label shows it has been from Austria
to London Heathrow, accompanied by
a Mr Brown.

Wedding Fever

2006-01-14T20:21:00.000Z

Yay!!! I'm so excited that 2 of my friends have now got married. I've still got the traces of wedding henna on my hands!!

Happy New Year to you all - I'm feeling in a much more positive mood since I last wrote. I had an absolutely wonderful time in India and I think it's done me the world of good!! There was some continued sickness from the food poisoning and I didn't manage to escape the obligatory Delhi Belly either but despite all that I still had such a fantastic time - partly because it's not everyday you get invited to Bombay for a wedding, and that it was my friends that were getting married but also because of the great joyful atmosphere - Indian weddings are such fun!! There was Indian dancing, cross dressing and even some Bollywood acting in a rather farcical rendition of the married couple's love story!! Rather guaranteed to break down barriers between the guests!! I do have photographic evidence and so if I get permission from the beautiful couple I may post a couple of pictures in due course!!!

Upon returning to the UK I'd not been back long over a week to hear 2 more engagement announcements with one of the couples also planning to be married this year!!! So I now have a total of 3 weddings to go to in 2006 and another one in the pipeline!!

I'm just a little too excited by all of this that I think I should have a bit of a lay down before I'm the next to catch wedding fever and end up proposing to the next random guy I see in the street!! Ermmm......maybe I'll make it down the aisle before my little sister after all!

Food poisoning and other tales of woe!

2005-12-23T13:33:00.000Z

I was meant to arrive in Bombay today.

Alas I didn't even have to leave my front door and I got food poisoning. My own stupidity it turns out - reheated some left over Chinese food, but did it in the oven as don't have a microwave so clearly didn't get it hot enough. I've never had food poisioning in England before, reheated food lots of time before and never been ill. It was so horrible - I started being sick at midnight and was sick about every 20 minutes until 6am yesterday morning. I was supposed to go into work but couldn't and I've taken so many days off sick I felt so bad calling in - especially when they know I was meant to be leaving for India that evening. But even after 6am I was still being sick - just more sporadically - it took till gone 8pm last night for me to keep any food down!

So, was too ill to get on my flight last night, it's been cancelled and my mother has found me something on last minute.com for this evening.

I feel like ever since I left Leytonstone my life has been some sort of nightmarish rollercoaster - my house move didn't work out (house too cold - was waking up in the night shivering, housemate/landlady too particular - didn't like the way I dryed up, I put things in the wrong places in her kitchen, irritated her by not putting out the recyling etc etc), I've had a bad cold 3 times ( a cold house probably didn't help), I had my bag stolen, things have gone pearshaped at work (low staff morale, people leaving jobs, heated team meetings etc etc). I thought things might calm down a bit after my house move, but that was more stressful that it need be because the estate agents left everything last minute and when I moved in there was lots of work that needed doing - the worst being a leaky washing machine which had caused water to seep through the kitchen flooring causing the laminate to buckle out of shape.

THEN - just when I thought things couldn't get worse, the 2nd night I moved in I heard someone put the key in the lock and terrified I hid in the lounge, shaking with an umbrella to protect me and dialled 999.

The locks have since been changed and the washing machine repaired - but now the food poisoning!!!

As I keep saying to people, I don't expect life to always go my way, I expect a certain amount of inconvenince, annoyance, illness, suffering etc - fine, but all this all at once, it's too much!!

I would like some continuity in my life, and I would like to have at least one week which went smoothly. Is this too much to ask?

Bedevilled by Men in Medals

2005-11-13T18:25:00.000Z

I did not wear a Poppy today. I haven't bought one for several years I think, but this year for some reason it's been weighing on my conscience. This morning as I travelled through London on my way to church I saw several veterans proudly displaying their medals on their chests alongside their poppies and I felt so self conscious - my absent poppy felt like it had a very loud presence.

It's not simple apathy - I may not agree with war, but that does NOT mean I am insensitive to the experiences of those who have gone through it. Thing is I have always felt that coupled with the 'lest we forget' and 'rest in peace' there's also a glorification of war in Remembrance day and a celebration of national pride.

My problem with the former is that I'm not convinced that war can ever be justified, but I realise I'm an ungrateful hypocrite saying this because many of the liberties we currently enjoy would be threatened if we were attacked by another country and would I not want these liberties defended? Was it not a moral responsibility to counter Nazi Germany? I think part of the problem now with people like me is that war is so much more remote from us. Sure, the Iraq war is very much in our minds but did it affect us on a day to day basis? It certainly didn't affect my shopping habits and I didn't go to sleep wondering if I'd be alive the next morning. Lest we forget? Maybe we already have?

As to the latter - maybe I don't feel any national pride because I don't see much to be proud of in Britain. I don't feel a sense of Britishness!! London pride definitely but national pride I've never had.But seeing all those men in medals and listening to the sermon today on those willing to give their lives for our country, well it hasn't changed my opinion on war but I do feel strangely guilty of treachery.

I put out 2 fires yesterday!!!!

2005-10-08T13:13:00.000Z

Yes, you have read correctly - I put out 2 fires yesterday!!! Not your usual Friday afternoon at work eh? And I'm very proud of myself!!!!

Think kitchen toaster catching alight, a work colleague throwing a fire blanket on top of the toaster but not covering it completely so that is set alight too, smoke alarm going crazy, colleague screaming for help and me coming confidently and calmly to the rescue with a fire extinguisher saving the day.

Sounds impressive eh? Trouble is it doesn't really sound like me!!! But it does make for a good story!!! No, the 2 fires I actually put out yesterday were part of fire marshall training that I got sent on with work. Best fun I've had on a training course ever because you know the stuff you are learning is really useful and you get to test it out by doing hands on stuff!! I got to put out a flammable liquid (Class B) fire with a CO2 extinguisher and used a water extinguisher to put out burning paper in a waste paper bin (Class A). This was all done in a cordoned off section of a car park in case you are wondering!!!

So whilst the reality may be less dramatic I still feel quite proud of my achievement and it feels quite empowering!!!

So here's to not doing a Basil Fawlty whose classic lines were going round my head yesterday;

"It sits there for months on end, and when you have a fire, when actually need the bloody thing, it blows your head off!!!"

Change is as good as a rest? Yeah right!

2005-09-29T19:30:00.000Z

I have been taking exception to that phrase very recently as there's been a lot of change going on in my life and it's all rather exhausting!!!

In the last 6 weeks I have, hunted for a new place to live, made preparations to attend a wedding in Sussex, attended the wedding in Sussex, then went walking for several hours along part of the South Downs way the following day and got very sunburnt, and the day after that I finished moving my stuff out of Leytonstone into temporary storage (i.e. my mum's place). The following week I finalised arrangements to visit a Catholic monastery in the Orkney Isles, which involved trying to tie up lose ends at work and doing a handover to the temp covering me whilst I was away, in addition to the usual hassle packing etc. My 'holiday' in Orkney was physically restful and I did really enjoy my time there, but pondering the question "Was/Is Jesus really the Son of God?" whilst going to Mass almost every day and reading stuff on the authenticity of the gospels is hardly the most relaxing of holiday pursuits! And then coming back to the hustle and bustle of cosmopolitan, multicultural London after the calm of the relatively homogeneous island of Stronsay with a total population not exceeding 300, - well frankly it was a bit of a culture shock!!! The next day (Friday) I moved into my new house and by Saturday evening I was developing a cold. Too ill to return to work on Monday as scheduled, I spent 2 days in my new home slouching around in my pajamas and dressing gown, coughing and sneezing making pathetic attempts to shuffle a few pieces of paper out of cardboard boxes in vain attempt to declutter, whilst giving up on maintaining my usual standard of self-dignity in front of the painter and decorator!! I returned to work on Wednesday a little too dazed to deal with my rather vibrant and tactile work colleagues, being greeted with over enthusiastic hellos and the odd hug here and there welcoming me back!!! All this whilst trying to juggle a social life too with birthday celebrations and the like to attend and friends I had to catch up with before they jetted off on their holidays!!

Phew!! And the weekend just gone there was a rather embarrassing incident with the burglar alarm and this weekend I'm off to York so it's just go go go and I can't cope!!!!

So no Change is NOT as good as a rest.

Instead, I would rather like a rest from change!!!

Shock Horror!! I ate some minced beef today!!

2005-08-07T20:08:00.000Z

Yes, the "vegetarian" finally ate some meat!!! As my close friends all know I've been contemplating eating meat again for the last couple of years but never managed to pluck up the courage - until today. It was only a couple of teaspoon's worth but it was still meat nonetheless and as the last time I deliberately ate meat was around 13 years ago, this is quite a significant event!

You see for a while now my views on eating meat have changed and in principle I no longer have a problem with animals being killed for meat, if they have been bred humanely and fed properly -e.g. chickens not being pumped full of antibiotics or cows being force fed sheep's brains!! So when I was told that the beef on offer today was organic, I no longer had any excuse and curiousity got the better of me. Half a glass of red wine helped with the dutch courage too!

What did it taste like - well I only had a little and I could taste the sauce more than the meat and so it didn't blow me away, but the mystique has not completely disappeared and no doubt I shall be doing some more exploring in due course.

Oh dear, what will my sister say when she finds out?

"Our lucky day, Four bombs, three trains, one bus, zero deaths."

2005-07-22T06:44:00.000Z

That's the headline in the Daily Mirror - says it all really.

So here we go again - more attacks, failed attacks but attacks all the same. And it looks like they were designed to kill but just went wrong, so we'll all be anticipating another attempt then? Great!

So what now? Sniffer dogs at every station? Oyster cards that morph into ID cards? X-ray scanning to get on the tube like they have at airports? Search everyone carrying a rucksack?

Or do we just not go on the tube anymore? Or should we just avoid it on Thursdays? Nick Ferrari (97.3Fm) has just admitted he now won't let his kids on the train after all this. One attack we become reslient to, another attack we start to think twice? Or do we just get used to it - is this beginning of a new way of life for us? Will we all start to get blase?

What really is the message of Islam?

2005-07-20T00:42:00.000Z

In the last week I have had, in effect, 3 gentle warnings from 3 different people about what they see as a serious misconception of Islam and so I have been reflecting on our recent discussions in the context of July 7th. Who are we to be discussing Islam? What do most of us honestly know about it?

One of the three people expressed concern about politicians 'romanticising' Islam, another in a newspaper article drew out contrasts between the New Testament and the Koran, emphasising that the latter had nothing like the message of love that Jesus proclaimed, and the third directed me to the following website http://answering-islam.org.uk/index.html for some 'real' information about Islam!!! If I understood correctly, the essential point that all three were trying to make was that whilst individual Muslims may be peace loving the message of their faith is not. As I have still not managed to read any more than selected quotations from the Koran and have not yet tackled the pile of books Alifya kindly lent me some time back I am yet to make my mind up on the issue.

HOWEVER what I do know is that in politically sensitive times like these it is very difficult to have a proper debate on the important issues and very tempting to get caught up in the wave of hope that we can all live peacefully together without trying to find the root of the problem. As I said, I have not made up my mind on many things about Islam yet, but I dare say that there is now an increased risk that anything said publicly in criticism of Islam will be deemed as spreading Islamophobia. And why is it that the newspapers are either at one end of the two extemes? Either they're sensationalising the presence of Muslim clerics who preach messages of hate or as Becky points out on her blog they are burning with "self-rightous, bleeding heart indignation" over backlash attacks. Why can't we have a middle ground where the facts of the matter are debated in a rational manner?

And finally, changing my mind yet again over the proposed legislation against the incitement to Religious Hatred, I share the concern of the writer of the afore mentioned newspaper article that in the future the new legislation could " see me incarcerated for expressing my sincere thoughts".

Barking has not gone completely mad!

2005-07-15T07:05:00.000Z

Hooray, a piece of good news!! The BNP DID NOT win the Barking By-election!!! Did anyone see how they exploited the London attacks in their election campaign? One of their leaflets juxtaposed a photograph of the wreckage of the No 30 bus with the headline "Maybe now it's time to start listening to the BNP". If the law against incitement to religious hatred shuts the BNP up then I'm for it.

And so the backlash begins.

2005-07-11T20:55:00.000Z

On the news tonight they reported that the windows of Mile End mosque had been smashed.

I felt so angry and disappointed when I heard this. I mean I know backlash was sadly to be expected because imbeciles are so predictable but I was really really hoping that maybe just maybe it wouldn't happen. The Muslim community has made a big effort to publicly condemn the attacks and yet violence against them still happens. Two wrongs don't make a right, but even if they did, these imbeciles have attacked people who have nothing to do with the bombings. On the news tonight they showed pictures of a very empty looking Brick Lane and a very quiet Whitechapel market. Commuters may be being resilient in returning to use the tube today but many of London's Muslims it seems are scared to go out. And that is so very very sad.

What a difference a day makes......

2005-07-08T20:13:00.000Z

- corny maybe but Dinah Washington's words sing true.

After winning the Olympic bid the Evening Standard had the audacity (in opinion) to proclaim that this was the best day London had ever had. The cruel irony then that today the media were reporting on what felt like the worst day. I'm no fan of the Olympics and I had been mentally preparing my scathing blog on the way home but it didn't materialise because during my journey my spirits were lifted. Not even I could stay unaffected by the Olympic euphoria everywhere. It's hard to stay critical when your usual mundane journey home is transformed by the rare sight of happiness at rush hour. As I walked through Stratford station there were signs of having won the bid everywhere and although I cringed as the women on the stage at Stratford was "Biggin it up for East London" the celebratory atmosphere did completely change my mood (if not my opinions).

And so in the context of this, yesterday's bombing which would have been tragic enough anyway seemed to be such a cruel cruel irony. Somehow a blog does not seem the right place for detailed comment about yesterday's events but the last couple of days has got me wondering about the whole collective London thing. Obviously not everyone in the same place feels the same way about things but even if you don't to begin with, intense emotional states whether of euphoria or of distress do seem to be contagious. Is this simply the way humans in a shared space work or is it all down to the media? Or is it a bit of both? How much is hype and how much is real? Is our shared Londoner identity genuine or manufactured? Is there really such a thing as London pride? Are Londoners really resilient in the face of disaster? Do a people make a place or does a place make the people? Maybe my questions are begging the obvious but these are some of my less painful reflections from the last few days.

The Last Laugh?

2005-07-01T23:33:00.000Z

20:00 Today ITV1 'LondonTonight with Trevor McDonald'

"As Rowan Atkinson leads comedians and playwrights protesting against the government's Racial and Religious Hatred Bill, the programme asks if the new law genuinely threatens their freedom of speech, and whether comedy and performing arts can incite religious hatred".

I am having trouble making my mind up about the proposed legislation to outlaw incitement to religious hatred. I thought spending the night with Trevor McDonald might help but I am none the wiser and so I have turned to my blog!

On the surface the legislation seems like a laudable idea and our beloved mayor had this to say on the matter recently,

“Incitement to racial hatred has been a criminal offence since 1986 – and has played an important part in improving race relations in the UK. Under this law some religious groups, such as Jews and Sikhs, are protected because their religion is also their race. But members of other religions, such as Muslims and Christians, are not. People of all faiths – and people of no faith – are entitled to equal protection. Failure to update the law will leave a dangerous loophole, which is already being exploited by the extreme right.”

(Ken Livingstone, The Londoner, June 2005, page 9).

The main criticism seems to be that the law would affect freedom of speech or expression. There is concern that it could prevent open debate, silencing all criticism of religion and comedians are particularly concerned that they might end up prosecuted for telling a ‘joke’ that caused someone offence.

Now I really don’t know where I stand with this. Freedom of speech I think is a must but it should not be abused e.g. to incite hatred towards others. But where do you draw the line, say between the criticism of religion, the mocking of religion or the outright expression of hatred. There are grey areas and I wonder whether legislation is really the way to go here. I hate the PC culture we have here and I don’t want it to get any worse, I already think the notion of freedom of speech is a charade in our so called democracy and hate the fact that our sensational and highly ideological media has such a powerful influence on the shaping of people’s ideas. This is why (as some of you know) I have the ambition to set up my own café as a discursive space where people can freely discuss important cultural and social issues without fear of reprobation but hopefully it will also be somewhere where people’s prejudices can be challenged, but in an amicable way.

However I am not a libertarian like Tony Benn – I am most definitely not against censorship per se and when it comes to matters of religion and morality it really gets quite tricky. Sometimes I wonder if it is a matter of taste. Why is it that despite my increasing movement towards Catholicism I still find Life of Brian funny yet Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’ video I thought was downright wrong and I felt uneasy after watching a short clip of Jerry Springer the Opera on Trevor McDonald’s programme this evening. Is it simply that my humour is essentially Pythonesque, and that I do not find Americans entertaining or amusing? Or willl I in time find Life of Brian offensive? And would it matter if I did since in terms of the proposed law the issue is about stopping incitement to religious hatred, not stopping anything that might cause offence. ‘Our Ken’ states;

“There has been much confusion over the issue. Opponents of the ban argue that it will silence all criticism of religion. This is not the case. The law will ban incitement of hatred, not criticism. Freedom of expression will be unaffected by this law. Artists, authors and comedians will be able to carry on using their work to tackle controversial issues relating to race and culture. And religious groups offended by these works will continue to have the right to protest to express their displeasure.” (Ken Livingstone, The Londoner, June 2005, page 9).

I am not convinced but that does not mean I am against the new law. I suppose there are several questions I find myself asking;

1). Is legislation the way to tackle the issue of religious hatred?

2). What will be the impact of the new law – will it hamper free expression, criticism about the subject of religion or will it just do what the politicians say it will.

3). Would it be a bad thing if it did go beyond issue of religious hatred and got used to stop programmes like Jerry Springer the Opera being shown?

4).Where are the boundaries between things that incite religious hatred and those that simply cause offence?

5). How do you draw the line between being sensitive to others and taking political correctness to ridiculous proportions?

This one goes out to my little sister!!!

2005-06-27T22:58:00.000Z

The Saturday before last during some more sorting out at my mum's house I found an old English book with a poem I'd written about my sister. Upon reading it the other day she was not best pleased since there were a few bits that were less than complimentary of her!!! I think I was just trying to be honest and reflect all sides of her character (that's my excuse) and I was only 11 at the time so I don't think I'd mastered the notion of tact yet!!! Anyway I thought I'd try to write another poem at some point, a nice one, to make up for it.

As my sister has recently had her car broken into she's not a happy bunny at the moment and so I thought I'd write a poem to try to cheer her up.

So Toni - advance apologies for its cringeworthy nature, this one's for you......

My little sister.

I no longer live at home with my sister

and to be honest I quite miss her!

The funny faces she can pull

and her generally playing the fool,

she’s got it down to a fine art

and so guaranteed to make you laugh.

Yes I love my little sister

so on greeting her I kiss her

in front of friends much to her chagrin,

- my affection she finds embarrassing!

You see it doesn’t matter how much older she’ll be

she’ll always be my ickle sister to me,

So if something’s happened to upset her

I try hard to make her feel better,

like after hearing Sunday’s news

that her car had got broken into.

But that day my humour fell flat

so this poem’s my new line of attack.

I hope she at least values the attempt,

as it really is well meant,

and I’ve stayed up half the night

so I can get the words just right!

Yes I love my little sister

and when she's not around I miss her!

MAKE POVERTY HISTORY

2005-06-25T22:34:00.000Z

I've just caught the end of The Girl in the Cafe, a film which is part of the BBC's series of programmes about Africa in 2005 (see link for details). Did anyone else see any of it?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2005/05_may/26/africa_cafe_intro.shtml
It got me thinking about the whole Make Poverty History campaign thing which I am supporting and I wondered what other people thought about it as for some reason it doesn't seem to have come up in conversation with friends.

By now you must all have heard something about it even if it's only in relation to Bob Geldof and the Live8 concert thing but just to summarise;

MAKEPOVERTYHISTORY is a campaign that demands an end to world poverty through "trade justice, debt cancellation and more and better aid" (www.makepovertyhistory.org) by putting pressure on world leaders. The Live 8 concert on 2nd July is happening in the run up to the meeting of the G8 (the leaders of 8 wealthiest countries) in Edinburgh July 6th - 8th where influential decisions are made about global economics.

One of the main arguments I've heard against the campaign is that we shouldn't be giving money to corrupt governments and that it'll only be the Mugabe's of this world that will benefit and not the people who are actually suffering. That's no reason not to campaign for fairer global economic change though. Moreover I thought I caught someone saying on TV the other day that the money that would become available through debt relief etc would be ringfenced for specific projects like improving healthcare, and so could not be used for corrupt African leaders to buy themselves new cars!!! I would like to read this in print somewhere though!!

The other complaints I had heard are all anti Geldof - that it's just a bunch of faded has beens who are trying to jump on a publicity bandwagon whilst trying to make themselves feel good at the same time! Now I'm tired of Geldof too (especially with his defensive comments in response to criticisms about the concerts not having enough of an African presence) but again that's no reason not to support the campaign. Surely we should make our decision on whether to support something or not based on the issues rather than the personalities? Does sniping at Geldof give you an excuse for sitting on your backside and doing nothing? No it doesn't.

But that's enough of my thoughts, what are yours.......?

Thank 'evans

2005-06-12T15:50:00.000Z

Yes thank Evans for existing!! Not one to usually get excited over clothes shops I am genuinely relieved that shops such as Evans exist. As the girlies will know Evans is one of those clothes shops for larger ladies, BUT, as I discovered for the first time yesterday, it also does shoes with wider fittings. Suddenly a flash of inspiration hit me as I realised that maybe I might actually be able to find some footwear that actually fitted me for a change!!! And lo and behold I did and I bought a pair of shoes. I've been so excited by this discovery that I just had to share my news with you all!! Do you know how oppressed I have felt for all these years by the fact that my feet are just slightly too wide for the eyes of fashion?? Oh, alas the trauma of realising as a small child that I could not fit into those magic princess shoes, you know, the ones with the key in the sole of the shoe that every little girl wanted at primary school? Well, they only went up to an F fitting and my feet were measured at a G. Actually, whatever happened to those feet measuring machines? If you don't know what I'm talking about you're either the wrong age, wrong gender or your mother never dragged you around Clarks shoes as a child!!!

I would like to say that I like my feet, I'm not one of those women that goes aroung asking "Do my feet look too fat in these? but it's just that its a real pain to find anything that I can fit into and so this is why yesterday's discovery has got me so excited!! Thank Heavens for Evans, that's what I say!!!

To keep or not to keep, that is the question.

2005-05-19T19:58:00.000Z

I'm in the process of a major sort out of my room back at my mum's house. I was going to do this anyway whilst I was round here in an attempt to declutter at least a small portion of this house but I have been further galvanised into action by the panic seizure I had the other day at the thought of all the clutter that my friends and family would have to deal with if I suddenly died!!!
So this is now part of a larger project: - to clearout as many unneccessary things as possible (how I long for the simple life) and to put everything in order in the event of my death. Some people have described this approach as pessimistic but I'd like to think of it as taking responsibility of my possesions and my life. I want to sort my life so that if I died unexpectedly people would a) not be daunted by a huge pile of my clutter b) have less painful decisions about what to keep or what not to keep and c) not stumble upon anything that might upset them.

Clearing things out is a therapeutic process, but also one that can prompt strange emotions when you find things that trigger strong memories. I've found photos, cards, letters and notes that have made me laugh, cry, wonder and frown. I'm less sentimental than I used to be and this makes parting with things a lot easier, - such as the hair I saved from my pet rabbit, Fiver who sadly got eaten by a fox! It felt wrong however just to throw the hair in the rubbish bin so it has been ritualistically scattered in the place in our garden where our other pets were buried.

Sorting stuff out has also been a mildly traumatic experience as I've stumbled upon reminders of the bits of my past I'd like to forget and pretend didn't happen. What to do with these things - should they be kept or thrown? It's good to let go of the past I think but you shouldn't blot it out either. I thought I'd tackle my diaries whilst I'm over here - pluck up the courage to read some of that 15 year old angst and decide what was best to do with it. Any advice anyone?

In the meantime I have a slightly different problem - finding them!!! My diaries are not where I thought I'd left them which is more than a wee bit alarming! Hmmmm.

Banished to Clayhell!!!

2005-05-13T01:01:00.000Z

sorry I meant Clayhall obviously!! Yes greetings from the deepest darkest depths of the suburban jungle, here in this corner of Essex where London truly does end, or begin depending on your perspective. Hark the cries of a damsel in distress, confined to a not so towering bungalow prison eagerly awaiting her knight in shining armour to rescue her from this torment.

In case you hadn't guessed it I'm back in my childhood home, cat, dog and housesitting whilst my mother, nan and ickle sister are off on a Mediterranean cruise!! Lucky for some eh? I'll be here for about 2 weeks during which time I have to keep a very close eye on the dog (Misty) who's recovering from major surgery and now has a huge scar on her stomach to rival mine. Yes, at last Misty and I have something in common - I feel like we've bonded!!!

With only a dog and cat for company I have resorted to the TV for the illusion of human interaction. I swear I have watched more TV tonight than I usually watch in two weeks, or a month even! First I watched the news when I came home from work, next a programme about troublesome toddlers, and then I caught a bit of Eastenders. At some point I tuned into Channel 5' s "Brand New You" which showed plastic surgery so invasive I felt sick and rang home (Leytonstone) to share this with a poor unsuspecting Lucy, then I watched "Families behaving badly" - another programme about dysfunctional families, followed by a programme about marriage breakdown. Yes I was really indulging in society's moral collapse tonight! Lastly I watched newsnight cover new research about the possible links between Cannabis and Psychosis! So all in all I've had a bit of 'televisual feast'.

I have been given strict instructions by Toni to supervise the convalescing dog as much as possible (as well as text her with daily updates - I am NOT exaggerating) so I won't be out and about as much over the next couple of weeks. Given that I don't drive I really feel like I've been banished to the sticks and not sure how I'll cope with such a severly diminshed social life. Quite clearly I cannot manage one night without human interaction so I urge you all to ring, email and blog me as much as possible during this imprisonment to stop me going insane!

Old ladies versus 'youths'

2005-04-22T20:03:00.000Z

It seems to me that an inevitable part of living in a city is not merely the fact that you encounter large numbers of strangers on a daily basis, but that the relationship you have towards them shapes your very understanding of human worth - both theirs and yours. Take for example the indignant reaction of people in queues when someone pushes in. Previously a line of individuals unconcerned to communicate with each other, but then transformed by exchanges or mutterings about the taboo that's just been broken. Even if such exchanges fail to shame the person to go to the back of the queue, they are still very important because they reassure you that by and large the social norms that keep us civilised are being kept to because anyone that breaks them is chastised. You might cast a judgement on the person who pushed in as inconsiderate and selfish and in distinguishing yourself from such behaviour such incidents help to reiterate your sense of self worth because you wouldn't behave like that!!

So imagine the blow to my ego when an old lady the other day accused me of having bad manners. I was trying to get a newspaper from the counter of a shop and didn't realise until I had it in my hand that this old lady's purse was resting on it. As I slipped it out from underneath realising in the process what was happening, I said "Oops sorry". The response was a decidely frosty - "Be careful you don't knock my money to the floor."
"I said sorry", I pleaded but she wouldn't listen. "Bad manners, that's what it is", she muttered. I tried harder this time - "Look, I'm sorry, I was tired and not concentrating properly, I apologise" but she wouldn't turn to look at me and just walked off.

I had barely recovered from this assault on my perception of myself as a decent human being when I ran into some more trouble shortly after getting off the bus as I walked home. A male 'youth' sped past me on a bicycle, dressed in tracky bottoms and a hoody (you know the type) and I could hear his friends behind me making barely intelligible noises which indicated that I was in their way. Refusing to have my right to walk on the pavement taken away from me I just continued walking. As these kids managed to navigate round me I was greeted with, "Wots the matta, you def or sumint, didn't ya 'ear?" I'm afraid I find it very difficult not to respond in these situations and so I yelled after them "You should be riding in the road, not on the pavement!!!" to which came the following reply eloquently shouted from across the road - "Wot d'ya say BITCH!.......Wot d'ya say BITCH!......."

By now I was seriously starting to have reservations about humanity and wondered if the incident with the 'youths' was some kind of divine retribution to make up for the incident with the old lady.

Today however I managed to have two pleasant exchanges with elderly women and so my faith in myself has been restored!!! One was a kindly lady at a bus stop who obviously deemed me approachable enough to ask me for the time ....."Oh, is it really that late love, oh I've spent too long in Ilford, can't go where I where I was thinking of going now, no it's too late, oh isn't it windy, it's too windy isn't it, it was too hot the other day, now its too cold, I'm waiting for the 145, what bus you waiting for love? Oh we must've just missed one....Oh it is windy isn't it?" and so on and so forth.

The other old lady I spoke to less than an hour ago and greeted me with the words "Hello cherub" and so now I'm positively glowing with delight. OK so this one was my nan so I guess it doesn't count, but it's still nice to hear!! My nan's lovely, I miss my nan.

The River Rodent

2005-04-19T04:13:00.000Z

Today marked an important turning point in my essay work, I actually started to do some and the inevitable happened - procrastination was promptly replaced by panic!!! Panic has now subsided as I've spent the last few hours being very industrious and am now taking what I think is a well earned break during which I would like to reflect on my trip into work this morning.....

..... For once I actually managed to catch the W19 bus which is an achievement because they only come every 30 minutes and so it's crucial you get the timing right. As most of you are well aware, perhaps poor Lindsey more so than others, timing is not my strong point and so most mornings I fail miserably to get to the bus stop on time. Usually I end up getting the 145 into Ilford instead which is OK but takes longer and involves a longer walk, whereas the W19 drops me neatly off right by my place of work - Becketts House. Today however I managed to get the W19 and although it was more by accident than design because I was even later leaving the house than usual, the point is I travelled a different route to work - a route that meant walking across the River Roding........

.......now you may be forgiven for thinking that there isn't a river in Ilford, even though the name gives it away, - it's not exactly in the commercial bit of the town centre and it's hidden under two busy roads; the choked up Romford road from Stratford and the A-road flyover thingy that zooms in from Barking direction and touches down at Redbridge roundabout. But the river is there, buried underneath the tarmac, its banks barricaded in by monstrous conrete and metal. It is an ugly dumping ground for litter, shopping trolleys, and other such urban faeces. In short it is an unloved stretch of water that seems to be present only in so far as it is clearly a transport inconvenience because there are limited crossing places for motorists. It is because of needing to cross the river that causes the bottleneck into Ilford from Romford Road and whilst I hate the pollution this causes and the angst of the drivers at rush hour I can't help but smile smugly to myself at the fact that even in our cities, nature still keeps us in check.

So, I was walking across the Roding in my zombie-like state this morning, only to be shaken from my reverie by a rustling sound coming from small patch of grass by the side of the river. I turned rather startled, to see a creature sat on a branch of a young tree. Blurry eyed I initially thought it was a squirrel but then quickly realised it was actually a rat!!! Suddenly I gained the ability to move fast and hurried into work. Realying my trauma to people in the office I was promptly informed that there's a woman who throws bread down there to feed the pigeons, but then the rats suddenly appear and there's a kind of showdown between the rats and the pigeons for the food. I am thinking of starting a campaign for the immediate distribution of "Do not feed the rats" signs, what do you think?

One final thought - my blog is entitled - "Where London Ends", a topic I think about a lot especially in relation to having been brought up on the edges of London in dreary suburbia. Is Ilford part of London or is it really Essex? Well, if the rodent population is anything to go by the debate is settled!

Procrastination

2005-04-17T23:15:00.000Z

Creating a blog - another distraction from university work. Procrastination has never been so fun!